Lady Gaga and Beyoncé’s anxiously awaited video for their The Fame Monster collaboration “Telephone” has arrived as a nine-minute-and-thirty-second mash-up of lesbian prison porn, campy sexploitation flicks and insidery winks at the two divas’ public personas. If Quentin Tarantino and Russ Meyer remade Thelma and Louise as an orgy of product placement with fiercely choreographed interludes, this would be the result. The video was scheduled to premiere on E! at 11:30 p.m. tonight, but hit the Internet early via a leak.

The video opens in a women’s prison where guards strip Gaga bare and mutter, “I told you she didn’t have a dick,” fanning the flames of one of the most persistent rumors about Stefani Germanotta’s gender identity. Almost immediately the self-referential nudges and brand names appear: the boom box in the exercise yard blasts Lady Gaga’s “Paper Gangster,” a fellow inmate wears Monster earbuds, Gaga has a Virgin Mobile phone tucked in her pants and sports Chanel shades and Diet Coke cans in her hair as makeshift curlers (nice touch!).

The song kicks in just before the three-minute mark as Gaga (sporting a spiked bikini and what appears to be Karen O’s jacket from the “Zero” video) takes a call in jail and launches into the most appealing afternoon imaginable behind bars — a tightly choreographed routine that has Gaga and four tattooed backup dancers stamping through the cell block.

When Beyoncé’s scheduled interlude arrives, the song breaks for another dramatic sequence. A guard perusing dating Website Plenty of Fish on a Beats by Dre laptop informs Gaga she’s been bailed out. Beyoncé (nicknamed Honey Bee) rolls up in the Pussy Wagon from Tarantino’s Kill Bill: Volume One, informs Gaga, “You’ve been a very bad girl” and feeds her a sticky treat. Simply being in Tarantino’s car inspires some Pulp Fiction-esque banter (”You know Gaga, trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it’s broke…” “But you can still see the crack in that motherfucker’s reflection”).

Beyoncé launches into the song’s bridge as Lady Gaga snaps photos of her with a Polaroid camera, then the pair pull up to a vintage diner where Beyoncé entertains a gentleman pal (played by Tyrese Gibson) and Gaga mans the kitchen, slipping poison into the food along with Miracle Whip and Wonder Bread (cue another awesome dance sequence, this time with cooks prancing around the stove in a moment that could have been borrowed from Madonna’s “Hung Up” clip). Beyoncé takes a moment to toy with her squeaky-clean image — busting out the line, “I knew you’d take all my honey, you selfish motherfucker” as Gibson keels over at the table — and another dance sequence begins, this time with Gaga and B in patriotic garb.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’s Jai Rodriguez arrives as a news reporter broadcasting word of the mass homicide (dubbed “The Telephone Effect”) as Gaga and Beyoncé speed away in the Pussy Wagon.

Scroll down for full news stories, commentary and much more in Rock Daily.

Elton John
Apr. 9 – Lubbock, TX @ United Spirit Center
Apr. 10 – Austin, TX @ Frank Erwin Center
Apr. 15 – Hoffman Estates, IL @ Sears Centre Arena
Apr. 16 – Des Moines, IA @ Wells Fargo Arena
Apr. 17 – Green Bay, WI @ Resch Center
Apr. 24 – Grand Rapids, MI @ Van Andel Arena
Apr. 25 – Toledo, OH @ Lucas County Arena
Apr. 30 – Reading, PA @ Sovereign Center
May 1 – Youngstown, OH @ Covelli Center

Diana Ross
May 15 – Boston, MA @ Citi Performing Arts Center
May 16 – Mashantucket, CT @ Foxwoods
May 18 – Red Bank, NJ @ Count Basie Theatre
May 19 – New York, NY @ Radio City Music Hall
May 21 – Atlantic City, NJ @ Caesars Atlantic City
May 25 – Bethesda, MD @ Music Center at Strathmore
May 27 – Chicago, IL @ Chicago Theatre
May 28 – Cleveland, OH @ State Theatre
May 29 – Detroit, MI @ Fox Theatre
May 31 – Toronto, ON @ Roy Thomson Hall
June 2 – Knoxville, TN @ Tennessee Theatre
June 4 – Atlanta, GA @ Chastain Park Amphitheatre
June 5 – Memphis, TN @ Live At The Garden
June 6 – St. Louis, MO @ Fox Theatre
June 9 – Los Angeles, CA @ NOKIA Theatre
June 11 – San Diego, CA @ Humphrey’s
June 12 – Saratoga, CA @ The Mountain Winery

Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
Mar. 24 – Minneapolis, MN @ First Avenue
Mar. 25 – Milwaukee, WI @ Eagles
Mar. 26 – Sauget, IL @ Pop’s
Mar. 27 – Chicago, IL @ Congress
Mar. 28 – Cleveland, OH @ HOB
Mar. 29 – Indianapolis, IN @ The Vogue
Mar. 31 – Pittsburgh, PA @ Mr. Smalls
Apr. 1 – Columbus, OH @ Newport
Apr. 2 – Buffalo, NY @ Town Ballroom
Apr. 3 – Lancaster, PA @ The Chameleon
Apr. 5 – Boston, MA @ Middle East
Apr. 6 – New York, NY @ Irving Plaza
Apr. 7 – State College, PA @ Mezzanine
Apr. 8 – Baltimore, MD @ Rams Head Live
Apr. 9 – Wilmington NC @ The Rox
Apr. 10 – Charlotte, NC @ Amos Southend
Apr. 11 – Charleston, SC @ The Music Farm
Apr. 13 – Athens, GA @ 40 Watt Club
Apr. 14 – Atlanta, GA @ Masquerade
Apr. 15 – Orlando, FL @ Firestone
Apr. 16 – Los Angeles, CA @ Gibson Amphitheatre
Apr. 20 – New Orleans, LA @ HOB
Apr. 21 – Dallas, TX @ HOB
Apr. 22 – Houston, TX @ HOB
Apr. 23 – San Antonio, TX @ Scoutbar
Apr. 24 – Austin, TX @ Emo’s
Apr. 26 – Tulsa, OK @ Cain’s Ballroom
Apr. 27 – Colombia, MO @ The Blue Note
Apr. 28 – Council Bluffs, IA @ Harrah’s
Apr. 29 – Kansas City, KS @ Harrah’s
Apr. 30 – Denver, CO @ Gothic Theatre
May 1 – Albuquerque, NM @ Sunshine Theatre
May 2 – Phoenix, AZ @ Celebrity Theatre
May 3 – Tucson, AZ @ Rialto Theatre

Missed Pearl Jam live during the band’s run of Backspacer tour dates last year? Eddie Vedder and company are giving you another chance to see their legendary live show in action with a month-long slate of U.S. shows that kick off in May. The trek launches at New Orleans’ Jazz Festival on May 1st and moves its way northeast, culminating with two shows at New York’s Madison Square Garden on May 20th and 21st.

Pearl Jam in posters: an illustrated guide to the band’s tour art.

Band of Horses have been enlisted to serve as Pearl Jam’s opening act on the trek, with the Black Keys subbing in for the May 20th MSG show. Tickets go on sale to Pearl Jam’s Ten Club members on March 15th, with a public on-sale to follow on March 19th. As evidenced by last year’s tour and the group’s legendary Halloween night show in Philadelphia, Pearl Jam mix up their set lists every night and the 2009 jaunt yielded live performances of nearly every song in the PJ catalog, so don’t miss them this time around. For more info, check out Pearl Jam’s official site.

And if you’re bummed out that Pearl Jam isn’t visiting your half of the U.S., at least you can watch them perform on Saturday Night Live this weekend.

Pearl Jam
May 1 – New Orleans, LA @ New Orleans Jazz Festival
May 3 – Kansas City, MO @ Sprint Center
May 4 – St. Louis, MO @ Scottrade Center
May 6 – Columbus, OH @ Nationwide Arena
May 7 – Noblesville, IN @ Verizon Wireless Music Center
May 9 – Cleveland, OH @ Quicken Loans Arena
May 10 – Buffalo, NY @ HSBC Arena
May 13 – Bristow, VA @ Jiffy Lube Live
May 15 – Hartford, CT @ XL Center
May 17 – Boston, MA @ TD Garden
May 18 – TBD @ TBD
May 20 – New York, NY @ Madison Square Garden
May 21 – New York, NY @ Madison Square Garden

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We won’t know which contestants are singing what Stones classics until next week, but we’re already placing bets on what we expect to hear. On the ladies’ side, we anticipate “Satisfaction,” “Tumbling Dice,” “Time is on My Side,” “Gimme Shelter” (if a contestant is brazen enough to handle both Mick and the female leads) and, thanks to Susan Boyle, “Wild Horses.” For the men, we’re thinking “Brown Sugar,” “Miss You,” Sympathy for the Devil,” “Angie,” “Honky Tonk Woman” and “Waiting on a Friend.” “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” seems destined for the group performance, and let’s just add that any contestant who mines Goats Head Soup gets our automatic vote.

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Corgan also responded to Mayer’s comments on their mutual friend Jessica Simpson (”sexual napalm,” Mayer called her). “As far as it pertains to her. I think for any person who has celebrity to sort of drop rocks at somebody else’s feet like that — there’s things you should really just keep your mouths shut on. There’s things that should just be left alone.”

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NBC may have stripped Conan O’Brien of his Tonight Show and contractually barred him from temporarily appearing on television, but the red-headed host has found another way to get in front of his legion of fans: Bonnaroo. O’Brien posted on his newborn Twitter page today to reveal he’s hitting the road. “Hey Internet: I’m headed to your town on a half-assed comedy & music tour,” he tweeted. One of the last stops on the trek is a June 11th performance at Bonnaroo, where Conan will entertain nearly 60,000 festival-goers in Manchester, Tennessee — a perfect venue to reprise his final-episode “Free Bird”.

Check out Conan and more comics on the cover of Rolling Stone.

O’Brien has already proven his ability to rock, so don’t be surprised if Conan picks up a guitar at some point and jams out with other ‘Roo artists like Jeff Beck, Weezer, Flaming Lips, Tenacious D and, if we’re really lucky, sing Alicia Keys’ part in “Empire State of Mind” during Jay-Z’s headlining set. In addition to performing at the fest’s Comedy Theatre, O’Brien will emcee Bonnaroo’s “What” stage on Friday and Saturday nights. Joining O’Brien at the fest will be Aziz Ansari (hopefully as Raaaaaaaandy), Margaret Cho, Greg Giraldo, Rob Huebel, Bo Burnham and Jeffrey Ross, who will “roast” Bonnaroo during his set.

O’Brien’s “The Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television” tour will kick off April 12th in Oregon and work its way across the country before concluding in Atlanta on June 14th. For all the ticket info, check out the Team Coco site.

Conan O’Brien
Apr. 12 – Eugene, OR @ Hult Center for the Performing Arts
Apr. 13 – Vancouver, BC @ Orpheum Theatre
Apr. 16 – Spokane, WA @ INB Performing Arts Center
Apr. 17 – Enoch, AB @ River Cree Resort & Casino
Apr. 18 – Seattle, WA @ Seattle Center
Apr. 22 – San Francisco, CA @ Nob Hill Masonic Center
Apr. 24 – Universal City, CA @ Gibson Amphitheater
Apr. 29 – San Diego, CA @ San Diego Civic Theatre
Apr. 30 – Phoenix, AZ @ Dodge Theatre
May 1 – Las Vegas, NV @ The Pearl Concert Theatre
May 4 – Reno, NV @ Grand Sierra Resort & Casino
May 5 – San Jose, CA @ San Jose State University Events Center
May 6 – Sacramento, CA @ Sacramento Memorial Auditorium
May 9 – Boulder, CO @ Mackey Auditorium
May 10 – Denver, CO @ Ellie Caulkins Opera House
May 13 – Dallas, TX @ McFarlin Memorial Auditorium
May 14 – Austin, TX @ Austin Music Hall
May 15 – Tulsa, OK @ Brady Theater
May 16 – Kansas City, MO @ Midland Theatre
May 18 – Minneapolis, MN @ Orpheum Theatre
May 19 – Chicago, IL @ Chicago Theatre
May 22 – Toronto, ON @ Massey Hall
May 30 – Atlantic City, NJ @ Borgata
June 1 – New York, NY @ Radio City Music Hall
June 4 – Boston, MA @ Wang Theater
June 6 – Uncasville, CT @ Mohegan Sun Arena
June 7 – Upper Darby, PA @ Tower Theatre
June 8 – Washington, DC @ Constitution Hall
June 11 – Manchester, TN @ Bonnaroo Music Festival
June 14 – Atlanta, GA @ Fox Theatre

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The Strokes have been rumored to be among the six headliners at this year’s Lollapalooza festival, and Casablancas told the Tribute the news is in fact true. The Tribune predicts the reunited Soundgarden, Lady Gaga, Arcade Fire, Green Day and Phoenix will also play Perry Farrell’s annual event, but the festival has yet to confirm this potential lineup. Lollapalooza traditionally unveils its list of performers around April 10th.

It promises to be a busy summer for the Strokes, as the New York rockers have already lined up headlining slots at four European musical festivals this summer: Rockness, South Side, Hurricane and Isle of Wight. Casablancas is also still in the midst of touring in support of his solo album Phrazes for the Young.

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• Casablancas Says Strokes Are Divided Over Progress of Fourth LP

Check out Rolling Stone’s collection of Pink Floyd photos.

The judge also ordered EMI to pay roughly $60,000 for the band’s legal fees immediately while the court determines how much the label, to which Floyd signed in 1967, should pay in fines and damages. Also at issue: how much money Pink Floyd should receive in digital royalties, because the 1999 contract did not foresee the advent of downloadable music. Millions of dollars could be at stake; only the Beatles’ back catalog is more profitable than Pink Floyd’s.

With the ruling, it’s now last call for fans who want to legally download “The Narrow Way, Pt. 3″ without investing in the rest of Ummagumma, since at press time both iTunes and the Amazon MP3 store were still offering up Pink Floyd’s tracks as single song downloads. Expect this to change in the near future.

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• Pink Floyd Sue EMI Over Single Song Downloads
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• The Magic and Majesty of Pink Floyd

• Beck’s next Record Club project will feature St. Vincent, the Liars and Os Mutantes, Pitchfork reports, though it’s unclear which classic album they’ve tackled.

• If you’ve already mastered Rock Band 2, there’s good news on the horizon: Rock Band 3 will be out in time for the 2010 holidays. A statement on the game’s Facebook page promises the new title will “innovate and revolutionize the music genre once again.” Green Day: Rock Band will arrive June 8th.
• In addition to being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame as a member of Genesis next week, Phil Collins will be honored at June 17th’s Songwriters Hall of Fame gala in New York with the Johnny Mercer Award.
• Kings of Leon’s Tap Tap Revenge game Kings of Leon Revenge is being unleashed today for the iPhone and iPod Touch. The game features 10 songs including “Use Somebody,” “Notion” and “Sex on Fire.” Check out a preview on YouTube.